The Pros and Cons of Parallel Dating

I was having a conversation about parallel dating with someone, and she presented a new perspective on "parallel dating" and it got me thinking about my own feelings on the topic and what other perspectives there may be out there. So, here are my rambling thoughts and an invitation to comment with your own thoughts.

Firstly, a definition: prior to making a commitment to date exclusively, dating more than one person and being intimate with zero, one or more people during this period.

I know there are people who like dating, meeting lots of new people and are not really ready for a serious or an exclusive relationship. That's old news. The new perspective I heard was, even if she's dating someone and perhaps is exclusively intimate with, while she's still in the "getting to know" stage she doesn't want to shut herself off from meeting and getting to know other men. She's felt that, in the past when she's done that, she's ended up wasting several months on an exclusive relationship to find out that he wasn't a good match or he wasn't really looking for something serious. In the meantime, she's missed out on some potential opportunities.

My approach to dating is to focus on just one woman at a time and try and figure out as quickly as possible whether we're a match or not. These are some of the disadvantages I see with parallel dating:

• I want to focus and figure out whether someone is a good match by looking at her independently, rather than comparing her to someone else
• if I divide my dating time between multiple women, it's going to take me more time to realise that someone is or isn't a good match
• if I feel chemistry with someone and I'm dating just her, I can let the intimacy develop naturally. I can't do that if I'm dating multiple women, since I don't want to be intimate with more than one
• I don't want to cause any fear or anxiety in someone I'm dating because I might get pulled away by someone new and shiny
• I want to avoid the pattern of thinking "maybe the grass is greener".

Having been sequestered in long-term relationships most of my adult life, I don't have years of dating experience under my belt, so perhaps my approach is naive? What are your thoughts?

How to get a quality man on OkCupid

A while back I helped a friend to edit her profile to hopefully attract more quality men, and it got me thinking about profiles in general. I've read a lot of profiles and talked to quite a few women in the online dating world, and often I've seen or heard the lament "why is it so hard to find a quality man here?" as well as a complaint about there being too many players. My inner muse has roused and here is the result.

• Have faith
  Rest assured, there are quality men here. Maybe some of the women I've talked to are right and many or most men here are players. Fine-tune your "man picker" (as my friend calls it) and you will quickly separate out the quality men, the ones who may turn out to be a great match for you.
• Be ready to jump in
  If you find someone (or he finds you) who seems to be a reasonable match, be prepared to talk to and meet him. Don't let fear of rejection or fear of being played stop you from getting to know someone.
• Express your needs
  I've seen a lot profiles which talk at length about how interesting she/her life is, all the great things she's doing and so on, but with scant information about her relationship values or desires. These profiles may be interesting to read, but they don't warm my heart. Say what you need to feel loved and what your emotional needs are. I know that can make you vulnerable and can be used for manipulation, but it's also a powerful way to attract attention from men who are right for you and deflect attention from men who are wrong for you. Use your "man picker" to avoid those who would mis-use the information. Decent men who aren't right for you will recognise that they can't or don't want to meet your needs and won't reach out to you. A man who is on the same emotional wavelength is going to see what you've written and go "Wow! She sounds like a good match!". You want this man!
• Get help from a friend
  Get a trusted friend who knows you to read your profile and ask them if that sounds like you. We don't always know how we appear to others. A friend can help with that.
• Show who you are
  Ah, profile pictures. Too often they were taken 5 years and 50 lbs ago. How do you think someone feels when they find out? It's not a "white lie". It shows a flexibility with the truth and is a red flag. Anyone who has been on a couple of dates has learned that what is not shown is almost certainly not good news. A head shot only. Long distance shot. Wearing a parka. No date showing which year the picture was taken. One has to assume the worst.
• You're here for long-term dating
  The quality man who is looking for a long term relationship probably has enough friends, so he's checked off "long-term dating" on his profile and is searching for just that. If you only checked "new friends", you won't turn up in his searches. There are plenty of people here who just want strictly platonic friends, and the quality man doesn't want to sift through all those people looking for someone who only checked "new friends" because she wants to start out as friends. Stating you're looking for "long-term dating" doesn't mean you're just going to jump into a relationship, it just states what your purpose is.
• Don't play "hard to get"
  This is not an effective strategy with a quality man. It's frustrating, he can recognise the power game that's being played and he has other women to contact and is being contacted by. In other words, he has options and he doesn't want to play games. It's another red flag, as it indicates how you are likely to treat him if in a relationship.
• Know thyself
  How long is your laundry list? Don't weigh it down with a lot of "nice to have" items. The perfect partner doesn't exist. Figure out what you need to feel loved and have a stable relationship and see if he can provide that. Those are your "must haves". If you find someone who has those and a few "nice to haves" and you also have chemistry with, you've already done really well. Grab him before he's gone! That's not "settling". Don't wait for someone who matches your entire list as he may never come.
• Don't jinx yourself
  Men and women alike often have self-confidence problems. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "he'll get bored with me after time" and avoid getting to know him. Trust your instincts on whether he knows himself enough to know what he really wants and needs, and then trust his instincts about wanting you.
• Reach out
  Don't sit back waiting to be noticed and contacted. Go out, search for matches and contact men who you think may be worth getting to know. You'll get more opportunities that way. It's hard enough finding a good match, don't leave any stone un-turned!
• Always reply
  If someone has taken the trouble to reach out with a decent message, reply, even if you're not interested. Don't leave them wondering and feeling ignored. It's polite and considerate. Be clear and honest. Don't say "I don't feel we're a good match" if you really mean "I'm not attracted". Just say it. If you want to sugar-coat it, say "I don't feel the chemistry".
• Never test
  This is a common, deadly mistake and most don't even know they're doing it, as it comes from insecurity. Whether you don't feel good about yourself or you've been hurt before, there can be this urge to test a man to see if he really does like you or if you can really trust him. Don't do it. It's abusive. It's poisonous. It's hurtful. It's unfair; how can someone pass a test if they don't know they're being tested, what the test is and what the grading rules are? It's a sure-fire way to drive away a good man, and chances are you'll fall into the common trap of thinking he failed the test and make the same mistake with another man. Life presents enough challenges that you'll have the opportunity to see how he handles himself under stress. Do you wait for a man to message you 3 times before you reply? Right there, that's a test. He messages twice and then stops because it's clear to him you're not interested and he doesn't want to intrude. Oops!
• Remember we all have feelings
  No matter how badly some men may have treated you, remember that there are good men and bad men, just like there are good women and bad women. Always be kind and gentle and start out with the assumption that the other person is decent and has feelings. It's usually true.

Now go get him!

Confessions of a former Craigslist Poster

Something for the fun bin. Before I was on OkCupid I tried Craigslist for a little while. Just prior to giving up, I posted a little rant. I thought it might be fun to share here, so here it is:

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Hello? Is there anyone real here? I'm starting to think that CL has become a total waste of time :-( I've posted ads and often get a deluge of responses, but almost every single one of them is spam! I'm so jaded that every time I hear the computer beep I don't think "goody, some woman replied to my ad", no, I think "oh joy, another spammer". For your amusement, here's some of the crap I've received:

• she tells me how she likes to masturbate and play with toys. Gee. Just what I wanted to know. Much more interesting than hearing about her interests. Oh, wait! Sex and masturbation are *all* her interests! I like her already. We have so much in common

• she tells me that she's really hot and 28. Six replies in a row and they're all 28. Why are they all 28?

• she tells me in one sentence or less how she really felt a connection from my post and could I please reply to this gmail address (not the one she apparently sent from) because the other one doesn't always work so well. Being blocked by the spam filters are we, honey?

• again a connection but this time please go to a web$ite for her pic$. Italy seems to have overtaken Latvia in popularity lately, but .info is at the top

• content-less email with a picture of her holding a card below her ample bosom saying "if you're real, email here: ..." and today's date (or two days ago). Trying to convince me you're as terrified of spam as I am? Nice cleavage, BTW. Didn't quite distract me from the huge ring on your finger. Side job to feed the family? Can't find an ethical job? Sorry I didn't qualify "exclusive" when I said LTR. I kind of thought that was obvious. Well, you learn something new  every day

• variation #3 on the true connection, this time with a picture included (wow! She's hot! And young! Scoooooore!) and please reply quick because she can't wait to get to know me (or just maybe she's wanting to get my email address into her spam database quickly)

• just two words "send pic". OK, maybe she's not spam, but she doesn't have any respect for me or my time. Sure, the pic I posted on my ad is not exactly fully revealing in glorious high-def, but I wrote a lot of detail in my ad and I'm not here to satisfy the curiosity of some bored browser. At least take the trouble to cut-and-paste a generic reply stating interests and desires

• a paragraph or two about how I sound mature, nice, serious, she's looking for a real relationship, blah, blah, blah. Nothing there that sounds specific to my post. Not really sure if this is a spammer who actually paid attention in their English class or a real woman who has the machine gun approach: fire enough rounds and hopefully one will hit. Either way, not really inspirational

• variation on the above, but she's overseas/willing to relocate. Um. Fishing for a greencard, perhaps? Seriously, how often does that work out? How do you grow a relationship if you can't spend time together? Besides, I want someone who loves me for what's inside me, not my immigration status.

And, finally, sometimes there's a reply from a real woman and a real conversation ensues but sadly so often she's not sure what she wants, isn't ready for a LTR, has too many fears or issues from her last relationship or there's no chemistry.

The 5 Love Languages

Back when I was dating I talked about this book with some of my first dates, so I'm sharing my thoughts here for anyone else who is interested. This is a book by Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor for many years. The basic premise of the book is that many couples, once they get past the initial 6 month to 2 year "romantic" period, run into trouble, because their emotional "love tank" runs dry. His book is filled with stories of couples who were genuine, caring and trying to make things work and yet one or both partners got more and more unhappy. The reason is that there are 5 basic "love languages" that people speak, and if you speak the wrong one to your partner, it doesn't help them feel loved. Here they are, in no particular order:

• Quality Time
• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

People naturally speak in the love language they wish to "hear", and are often confused that it's not working for their partner. The busy husband who bought her expensive gifts, but she was unhappy because he was never very affectionate and didn't make her "feel like a woman". The helpful wife who kept the home clean and tidy and looked after the kids, but the husband wanted to hear how important he was. These and many more stories, told much better than I can.

I think this book is helpful not only for couples in trouble, but even for singles. It can help one pay attention and do better right from the start, but also gain insight into oneself, which is a prerequisite to being able to express your needs to a partner. It's also helpful in coming to terms with oneself and embracing it, rather than thinking "I shouldn't place so much emphasis on this, other things are supposed to be more important".

There's a free online quiz you can do to learn your love languages here.