Back when I was dating I talked about this book with some of my first dates, so I'm sharing my thoughts here for anyone else who is interested. This is a book by Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor for many years. The basic premise of the book is that many couples, once they get past the initial 6 month to 2 year "romantic" period, run into trouble, because their emotional "love tank" runs dry. His book is filled with stories of couples who were genuine, caring and trying to make things work and yet one or both partners got more and more unhappy. The reason is that there are 5 basic "love languages" that people speak, and if you speak the wrong one to your partner, it doesn't help them feel loved. Here they are, in no particular order:
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
People naturally speak in the love language they wish to "hear", and are often confused that it's not working for their partner. The busy husband who bought her expensive gifts, but she was unhappy because he was never very affectionate and didn't make her "feel like a woman". The helpful wife who kept the home clean and tidy and looked after the kids, but the husband wanted to hear how important he was. These and many more stories, told much better than I can.
I think this book is helpful not only for couples in trouble, but even for singles. It can help one pay attention and do better right from the start, but also gain insight into oneself, which is a prerequisite to being able to express your needs to a partner. It's also helpful in coming to terms with oneself and embracing it, rather than thinking "I shouldn't place so much emphasis on this, other things are supposed to be more important".
There's a free online quiz you can do to learn your love languages here.
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