A while back I helped a friend to edit her profile to hopefully attract more quality men, and it got me thinking about profiles in general. I've read a lot of profiles and talked to quite a few women in the online dating world, and often I've seen or heard the lament "why is it so hard to find a quality man here?" as well as a complaint about there being too many players. My inner muse has roused and here is the result.
- Have faith
Rest assured, there are quality men here. Maybe some of the women I've talked to are right and many or most men here are players. Fine-tune your "man picker" (as my friend calls it) and you will quickly separate out the quality men, the ones who may turn out to be a great match for you. - Be ready to jump in
If you find someone (or he finds you) who seems to be a reasonable match, be prepared to talk to and meet him. Don't let fear of rejection or fear of being played stop you from getting to know someone. - Express your needs
I've seen a lot profiles which talk at length about how interesting she/her life is, all the great things she's doing and so on, but with scant information about her relationship values or desires. These profiles may be interesting to read, but they don't warm my heart. Say what you need to feel loved and what your emotional needs are. I know that can make you vulnerable and can be used for manipulation, but it's also a powerful way to attract attention from men who are right for you and deflect attention from men who are wrong for you. Use your "man picker" to avoid those who would mis-use the information. Decent men who aren't right for you will recognise that they can't or don't want to meet your needs and won't reach out to you. A man who is on the same emotional wavelength is going to see what you've written and go "Wow! She sounds like a good match!". You want this man! - Get help from a friend
Get a trusted friend who knows you to read your profile and ask them if that sounds like you. We don't always know how we appear to others. A friend can help with that. - Show who you are
Ah, profile pictures. Too often they were taken 5 years and 50 lbs ago. How do you think someone feels when they find out? It's not a "white lie". It shows a flexibility with the truth and is a red flag. Anyone who has been on a couple of dates has learned that what is not shown is almost certainly not good news. A head shot only. Long distance shot. Wearing a parka. No date showing which year the picture was taken. One has to assume the worst. - You're here for long-term dating
The quality man who is looking for a long term relationship probably has enough friends, so he's checked off "long-term dating" on his profile and is searching for just that. If you only checked "new friends", you won't turn up in his searches. There are plenty of people here who just want strictly platonic friends, and the quality man doesn't want to sift through all those people looking for someone who only checked "new friends" because she wants to start out as friends. Stating you're looking for "long-term dating" doesn't mean you're just going to jump into a relationship, it just states what your purpose is. - Don't play "hard to get"
This is not an effective strategy with a quality man. It's frustrating, he can recognise the power game that's being played and he has other women to contact and is being contacted by. In other words, he has options and he doesn't want to play games. It's another red flag, as it indicates how you are likely to treat him if in a relationship. - Know thyself
How long is your laundry list? Don't weigh it down with a lot of "nice to have" items. The perfect partner doesn't exist. Figure out what you need to feel loved and have a stable relationship and see if he can provide that. Those are your "must haves". If you find someone who has those and a few "nice to haves" and you also have chemistry with, you've already done really well. Grab him before he's gone! That's not "settling". Don't wait for someone who matches your entire list as he may never come. - Don't jinx yourself
Men and women alike often have self-confidence problems. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "he'll get bored with me after time" and avoid getting to know him. Trust your instincts on whether he knows himself enough to know what he really wants and needs, and then trust his instincts about wanting you. - Reach out
Don't sit back waiting to be noticed and contacted. Go out, search for matches and contact men who you think may be worth getting to know. You'll get more opportunities that way. It's hard enough finding a good match, don't leave any stone un-turned! - Always reply
If someone has taken the trouble to reach out with a decent message, reply, even if you're not interested. Don't leave them wondering and feeling ignored. It's polite and considerate. Be clear and honest. Don't say "I don't feel we're a good match" if you really mean "I'm not attracted". Just say it. If you want to sugar-coat it, say "I don't feel the chemistry". - Never test
This is a common, deadly mistake and most don't even know they're doing it, as it comes from insecurity. Whether you don't feel good about yourself or you've been hurt before, there can be this urge to test a man to see if he really does like you or if you can really trust him. Don't do it. It's abusive. It's poisonous. It's hurtful. It's unfair; how can someone pass a test if they don't know they're being tested, what the test is and what the grading rules are? It's a sure-fire way to drive away a good man, and chances are you'll fall into the common trap of thinking he failed the test and make the same mistake with another man. Life presents enough challenges that you'll have the opportunity to see how he handles himself under stress. Do you wait for a man to message you 3 times before you reply? Right there, that's a test. He messages twice and then stops because it's clear to him you're not interested and he doesn't want to intrude. Oops! - Remember we all have feelings
No matter how badly some men may have treated you, remember that there are good men and bad men, just like there are good women and bad women. Always be kind and gentle and start out with the assumption that the other person is decent and has feelings. It's usually true.
Now go get him!
No comments:
Post a Comment